How does she do it all?

Q. I’m really struggling with my work-life balance right now.  As a working mom, I feel like I’m constantly neglecting some part of my life.  I see other working moms who seem to do it all. How do they do it?  

A. We all know people who seem to have it all figured out.  How does she do it?  And importantly, how can we get what they’ve got? Despite the perfectly stress-free life we see, here’s the honest answer to the question “how does she do it all?”  She doesn’t.

The myth of work-life balance is that there is a perfect balance that we can attain or maintain. Work-life balance is not about creating a 50-50 balance between work and home. If you’ve ever had a sick child or a whirlwind business trip, you know that 50-50 balance is impossible to maintain. Our lives are dynamic and ever-changing, and our work-life balance has to be dynamic too. The right balance for you today, may not be the right balance for you tomorrow or next week or next month, because over time your life and your priorities change.

To truly create more balance in our life, we need an approach that is as unique and dynamic as we are. Here are three principles to help you achieve more balance in your life and work.

 You can have it all - just not all at once. 

Finding balance in your life isn’t about doing it all, all of the time. Rather, it’s about defining and prioritizing what’s most important to you at this present moment in your life.  It’s all about tradeoffs. It starts with an honest understanding of what areas of your life you want to focus on at various times in your life. And, the tradeoff, understanding what areas of your life you’re comfortable putting in second or third place in order for you to focus on what’s important. There will be times you choose to focus on a promising work project knowing that it will dig into your family time. There will be other times when you may choose to focus on family and slow down at work. It’s okay to choose one over the other at the right times in our lives. It’s about what is most important to you at this present moment.  And the great thing is, you get to change your mind, and your priorities, as your life evolves and unfolds.

Too often, we listen and are swayed by outside voices telling us what we “should do” versus listening to our own truth. Ultimately, it’s about what you want, not what they want. So, what’s really important to you right now?  Be honest. Remember, the only right answer is the answer that is true to what you want.

What’s most important to my life right now?

What’s less important to my life right now?

What would you like to make more of a priority?

What are you willing to make less of a priority?

Reclaim the choices you make every day.

To me, the biggest driver of work-life dissatisfaction is when an employee feels that they have no choice or control in their work demands.  Feelings of “rat race” and “daily grind” happen when employees feel they "have to" work nights/weekends or they "have to" stay late at the office. When our life is at its most hectic, we often feel like things are happening to us. Despair, guilt and negativity creep quickly into our lives when we feel we have no choice about what we do or how we do it.

Work-life balance is often some far away concept we aspire to create.  But I believe our lives, and our work life satisfaction, is really the sum of our daily choices.  Yes, there may be some things in our lives we have less choice about – like what project we’re working on or what the deadline is. But how we choose to attack the project or the deadline it is oftentimes in our domain. You may choose to bring your work home or stay late at work. You may choose to stay late at work, but squeeze in a run at lunchtime. While what you’re doing may be predetermined, it’s up to you to decide how you’ll get it done.

There are a million choices we make each and every day. Many of them we make unconsciously, or based on the habit/routines of our everyday life. But look closely and cherish the fact that every day, we have amazing opportunities to choose the course of our day, and life.

Choose how you’re going to start your day.

Choose the first thing you’re going to do when you get to your desk.

Choose to avoid people who will bring you down throughout your day.

Choose how you’re going to enjoy your lunch hour.

Choose when you’ll take a 5-minute break.

Choose how you’ll end your day.

Satisfaction in life comes when we feel we are making choices that are aligned with our values and priorities. So, reclaim your daily choices and choose wisely.

Don’t keep your ideas to yourself.

When asked, most people have a notion of things that would help give them more work life balance. From flexible work hours to additional time off to working from home, there are more options than ever for accommodating greater work-life balance.  But many people assume that things will never change, or there’s no chance of them getting what they want. They keep their ideas to themselves, and never really ask for what they truly want.

If you never ask, the answer is always no. It’s important to ask, and talk about, what’s important in your life. Don’t hide it and don’t expect others to guess what makes you feel balanced and fulfilled.  Do you need to check out of work at 3pm to pick kids up from school. Do you need to step away at lunch to attend a yoga class? Whatever it is, let it be clearly known. It’s important for you and your manager to have an open and honest dialogue about what truly matters to you. And because every job is different, it’s important for you and your manager to work together on identifying scenarios to make things possible.

Sharing your intentions more broadly with your colleagues also increases your chances of making it happen. Keeping your plans to yourself is recipe for a last-minute, unexpected plan killer. So let your team know, and let them know why it’s important to you. Putting it out there sets expectations and helps you and your team plan around your need. And it helps you start a dialogue that could unearth obstacles to your plan that you can work out ahead of time. Especially in collaborative environments, it’s about communicating and helping each other make things happen.

So, how do I do it all? First up, stop trying to do it all. We are all figuring it out, and it’s an each and every day thing. What’s important to you is what’s most important. Connecting, and reconnecting, with that is an important shift for feeling more control and power over making time for what’s important to you.

Despite our “all or nothing” culture, life doesn’t usually change overnight. It changes, because we make little tweaks in our daily lives. Any change has to start with something, and oftentimes that something is relatively small.  So, find a something. A something to make your life better, your work better, your health better or whatever is important in your life better.

We all have the same 24 hours – it’s how we use them that matters.